Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
