my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
