I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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