I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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