I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
