I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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