tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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