May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
