i already hear my dad disowning me
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
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Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
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She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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