my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
