I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
