I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
