Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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