True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
