woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
