i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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