when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
