my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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