just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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