This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
