I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
