so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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