I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Couch. On fire.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
