im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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