I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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