Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Randomize
