Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
