Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
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