Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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