I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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