I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
