We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You may now shotgun with the bride
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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