I could make wine with my vomit
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
