yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
