you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
