she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
