when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
