She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
