I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
