someone threw a dead crab at me
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
