she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
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