I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
