Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
