SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
40s are totally the cure
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
