My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
