i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
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whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
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