made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Randomize
