i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
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