there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Randomize
