Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Dear god my vagina.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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