need another drink. this is the easiest way
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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