there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
