the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
